Don't share your spiritual books with your husband, he will use them against you.

Over the last few years, I have offered many book suggestions to my husband. Though I admit part of it was because of a passive aggressive gene that I inherited, mostly it was in good faith because I thought he might find some of them interesting.
   
Even so, I never really thought he was listening until last night.
Somehow– on his own accord – he decided to read a few chapters of Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth.   (I must for my own piece of mind say that I have been a ‘friend’ of Tolle’s since 2000, long before he was a glimmer in Oprah’s eye.)   

Anyway, not only did he read it, but he even admitted that he enjoyed it. 
I slept well knowing that it was assured that from now on, we could and would connect on a whole new level.   

Upon waking, I began happily preparing breakfast for my two boys, morphing into Peggy Lee and cooking up the bacon (figuratively), and frying it up in a pan.    When I turned to see the laundry that my husband told me he would put away days ago staring me in the face, my mood did not waver. 

I turned on some music, danced around picking up toys, and continued to make a brilliant fluffy omelet with home potatoes and still no Leo.

I called out for him, and even used the phone he bought so we could page each other in the house - perfect for these moments- nothing.  I could tell that he was not on the phone and had finished his shower,  so I knew that the only thing that could be holding him up was that he was looking at sailboat porn.

Ok, down girl, let it go.

As our breakfast grew cold, and I was doing my best to keep our son occupied to prevent a melt-down, I began wilting like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.

As Leo descended the stairs towards us, I tried with all of my might to channel June Cleaver, but somehow, Wanda, the sassy nag wife was just too strong, so when he reached the kitchen table and his first comment was to complain that the coffee tasted funny, I LOST IT large protruding neck veins and all. 

He turned to me very measured and said, "I am not the source of your problem... that is your pain body talking.." 

The voice inside my head said, “Girlfriend, don’t you dare laugh.” ….“Keep your straight face and hold it together.” 

After a few blinks and my wit not fully functioning yet, I turned in silence to grab the jelly from the fridge.  Suddenly Leo was dry humping me from behind.  "I take responsibility for these actions."

I looked over to Isaac hoping he was busy chomping on his cheerios, but no luck, he had seen it, and started laughing and clapping.

Leo walked over and grabbed the book and read these words “Do you want peace or drama. . .?”   

Isaac even looked at me to see what I was going to do.

Be careful what you wish for. 

I’m just sayin.