Mom's, you failed me!

No one tells you how hard it is to have a child. 

They all smile, rub your pregnant belly, ask about names, the nursery, and whether you have seen the new adorable Trumpette socks.  They describe the rite of passage as exclusively joyous, and imply that only those who join the breeder club will be validated as a person.  They tell you wonderful motherhood stories and promise to babysit. . . and then like the Republican party, they all disappear as soon as the baby is born.

Since you fathers at least offer up some great used outdoor gear on Craigslist, my beef is not with you, instead it is with you; my mother brethren.

I thought we were friends, but if we were, you would have shared things and saved me a lot of heartache.  So, since my peers have failed me, I will let you mothers-to-be in on a few secrets to save you from yourselves;

1.     You will mourn the loss of your former self and have several meltdowns.  Don’t worry, you are just having an identity crisis that all mothers go through but rarely discuss. 

2.     You and your husband will fight over ridiculous things because you are unaware that you are both going through #1.  When he leaves for numerous days to go skiing or hiking without you and your newborn; don’t get mad, enjoy this time.  When he returns you will have two babies on your hands for awhile until he finally gets it.

3.     Cancel your Comcast to reduce the stories of how you might ruin your child’s life, and refuse the temptation to subscribe to the motherhood magazines so you won’t feel bad when you find out that you are no June Clever.  Use your own common sense when you have questions, and if you have none, join mammasource.com where you can safely ask all kinds of smart and silly questions safely.

4.     Forgive yourself when after a few snowy, or rainy weeks stuck at home you end up at mall on the waffle or cereal bowl or your local McDonald’s playground even though you swore that you would never go there.

5.     Buy a Chariot or multi-faceted stroller on craigslist or the quarterly REI garage sale so you can strap your kids in and all still enjoy the outdoors any season.  Staying active will remind you that you love your family and can still have a semblance of your old life.

6.     Be sure to hold on to some of your non-mother friends to ensure you will not turn into an annoying incessant story-telling mom.   Poop and milestone baby stories only go so far even if you think your tales are exceptionally charming.

7.     During the unplanned family vacations when you are home sick with mysterious ailments, make sure you have access to youtube for endless family entertainment, and a few balls to teach your children to fetch so you can still interact with them, but don't have to get off the couch.

8.     It is okay if you only like your own children, some in your family, and your best friends children.  Don’t feel bad about it.

9.     As a parent, your relationship with fear and guilt will take on a whole new level and never return to what it once was no matter how old you and your children are, or where your life takes you.

10.  Being a parent will be more challenging, frustrating, rewarding and amazing than you can ever imagine, and in the end, you will wonder why you did not do it sooner.

Now I know that some think it is taboo to speak about these things, but I feel that I am providing a service to reduce the number of road-raging moms out there. 

Of course I am ridiculously crazy about my son and know that who I was before him pales in comparison to who I am now because of him. . .but a gal’s got to be able to vent now and then when her life changes from a successful entrepreneur, traveler, and award winning writer (even if some of that is in her own mind) to a glorified pooper scooper, unpaid nurse, with little to no social life, and whose cutest outfits have all become barf cloths and accidental paint rags.